Life to the fullest?

I still remember what Kendra said when I asked her—are there any things you want to do in your life before you die? She said, “No not really. I just want to live a simple life, like it says in the Bible, ‘a simple and quiet life’—get married, have a family.” I was surprised at her answer at first. For one, I didn’t realize that was in the bible, and second, there are all these random dreams that are always popping up into my mind, like—being a starved artist with a CD to hand out, organizing a concert, going to a remote village to share jsus, being a powered business woman, being a preacher, being a novelist, all these random completely different dreams. But sometimes, I think ehh, how about a simple life? …I already live a simple life actually, but there’s always this inkling in my mind that I’m supposed to do more—that I was made for more than this.
And like John Ortberg says in his book, we’re so worried about what other people think of us. –as I was reading the first page of “The Life You’ve Always Wanted: spiritual disciplines for ordinary people” I was screaming over and over again in my mind “Yes! Yes that’s exactly what I feel and think.”


He writes: “I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed not so much with particular things I have done as with aspects of who I have become. I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be… Sometimes I am too concerned about what others think of me, even people I don’t know. Some of this disappointment, I know, is worse than trivial; it is simply the sour fruit of self-absorption. I attend a high school reunion and can’t choke back the desire to stand out by looking more attractive or having achieved more impressive accomplishments than my classmates. I speak to someone with whom I want to be charming, and my words come out awkward and pedestrian. I am disappointed in my ordinariness. I want to be, in the words of Garrison Keillor, named “Sun-God, King of America, Idol of Millions, Bringer of Fire, The Great Haji, Thun-Dar the Boy Giant.” But some of this disappointment in myself runs deeper… I am disappointed also for my life as a husband, friend, neighbor, and human being in general."

"I am disappointed that I still love Gd so little and sin so much. I always had the idea as a child that adults were pretty much the people they wanted to be. Yet the truth is, I am embarrassingly sinful. I am capable of dismaying amounts of jealousy if someone succeeds more visibly than I do. I am disappointed at my capacity to be small and petty. I cannot pray for very long without my mind drifting into a fantasy. I can convince people I’m busy and productive and yet waste large amounts of time watching television."

"These are just some of the disappointments. I have other ones, darker ones, that I’m not ready to commit to paper. The truth is, even to write these words is a little misleading, because it makes me sound more sensitive to my fallenness than I really am. Sometimes, although I am aware of how far I fall short, it doesn’t even bother me very much. And I am disappointed at my lack of disappointment."

"Where does this disappointment come from? A common answer in our day is that it is a lack of self-esteem, a failure to accept oneself. That may be part of the answer, but it is not the whole of it, not by a long shot. The older and wiser answer is that the feeling of disappointment is not the problem, but a reflection of a deeper problem—my failure to be the person God had in mind when he created me. It is the “pearly ache” in my heart."



Yes, he takes my thoughts right out of my head and puts it on paper. There’s always this ache in my heart that I’m not living to be the person that I was created to be. I pretend when I talk to people to be doing many great and meaningful things—but in reality, I have this fear that I’m wasting my time and life away when I can be doing so much more. But what exactly is that –so-much-more-stuff that I should be pursuing? This is where I get stuck in a ditch and end up not getting anywhere. And, to make things worse—I really am letting my time eat away—playing video games, reading pointless trashy novels, and watching movies/tv on my laptop until my brain is mush.

“I have disappointed God. I have removed him from the central role he longs to play in my life; I have refused to “let God be God” and have appointed myself to his place.’ I am what I am.’ But that’s not all that I am. I am called to become the person Gd had in mind when he originally designed me. This is what is behind Kierkegaard’s wonderful prayer, “And now Lord, with your help I shall become myself.”

“This book is about spiritual growth. It is about that holy and mysterious process described by the apostle Paul when he said he was ‘in the pain of childbirth until Christ is formed in you.’ The goal of such growth is to live as if Jesus held unhindered sway over our bodies. Of course it is still we doing the living. But to grow spiritually means to live increasingly as Jesus would in our unique place—to perceive what Jesus would perceive if he looked through our eyes, to think what he would think, to feel what he would feel, and therefore to do what he would do.”


And now Lord, with your help, I shall become myself.
Help me to be more and more like you.
To pursue what you would pursue.

sucriada.

sucriada.blogspot.com + sucriada.wordpress.com

fyi, I'll be maintaining 2 blogs now--one on wordpress, because it works in China, and this one--as I feel this blog has subscribers, and I feel comfortable in this space. I'll likely be duplicating the entries on both sites.

"sucriada"
People in the past have asked me what it means, and I chose not to tell…but today I feel inspired to share in this entry.

I was in junior high or high school during the first generation of AIM instant messaging. I was in love with God–and when I say love I mean a deep infatuation–He was the center of my existence, the reason I breathed. I had a deep compassion for people who were misunderstood, the emotionally hurt, and those who didn’t understand or know God, and I wanted to show people that He really loved them deeply. My deepest desire was to serve him, to really serve him whole-heartedly and overcome my fears. I was terribly shy, and that was one thing that drew me closer to Him but made it hard to share. But he still brought me opportunities, and funnily, some had been brought to me via AIM.

Upon deciding an alternative screenname, I had been looking for a name that went along the lines of His Servant, and I found the translation for His Maid in Spanish was Su Criada, which was how I took on the screen name sucriada.

Ten years later, and fifteen minutes ago I found myself trying to think of a blog title, and I thought back on my day.

Seven hours ago, I got a phone call–requesting my assistance in helping my friend to move stuff out of her apartment to a new place. Five minutes later, I got a text message–requesting assistance in helping a different friend to--again move.

The hot stick of Shanghai summer plagued me, and I didn’t want to move fromm my sprawled-out position beneath my air conditioning. I dreaded the need to say yes to both my friends. Then I was convicted. Steph, don’t be a bum, be a servant. I began to realize that my attitude as of late has been that of the former. I live for my own comfort, aimlessly and brainlessly–living life like a habit.

Perfect, Su Criada. His Maid. What can be more humbling then a constant reminder that I live not to serve myself, but I belong to and serve an awesome, loving, all-powerful, all-knowing God.

After a long day of moving things well into midnight–I felt peace and joy and would-you-know-it, serving does not equate to simply self-suffering but rather it results in the blessing of deeper understanding of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness.

In this blog, I want to challenge myself and my friends to live a life of a servant. To be inspired to love and serve.