Trusting in God (I'm Getting Married!)

Some ladies get to my age and they start to worry about their aging and whether they'll find "the One".
I had wrote some time back that I had decided not to worry about marriage--cast it out of my mind and just focus on God's current calling for my life. It is when we place our trust in Him that he prepares the way for us. Throughout my Christian life, time and time again I found that when I placed trust in myself things would go wrong but when I placed trust in Him everything fell into place. He would know exactly what I needed and when I needed it. His wisdom and timing are perfect when we submit to Him.

I decided to trust in God. And he brought me Kostya. I could go on and on about how compatible we are but I'll keep that between him and me so I don't make u sick. ;) But all in all what matters most is our united heart to serve God and to fight for things of eternal value not worldly value.

When he first asked me to marry him 8 months ago; immediately after (15-20 minutes later), a girl, Jen Shang told me. "I had a dream about you. You were getting married, and all I remember was that it was a rush."
I wasn't even thinking about marriage at the time; it had felt like some foreign custom that I had heard of others once doing. I was shocked at the time. I didn't know what to think. I asked Kostya to pretend he hadn't proposed yet-- and to see where our relationship goes first. I didn't want to trust in a dream.

After this I was praying more about marriage. What was god's will for my life? I talked to a married lady from my church about relationships and marriage. She mentioned how she never used to think about praying for marriage while she was single. But a pastor had challenged her to and soon after God had prepared her a husband. She challenged me to pray hard about it.

I prayed hard. I was confused. I didn't feel or hear anything.

Maybe the reason i was in the relationship to begin with wasn't right. I knew Kostya was in it initially because marriage, but I was in it--maybe because of emotions. We didn't know where we were headed.

Kostya and I "broke up".
Then I felt it. I felt the need to be purely satisfied in Christ. I felt the blessing of Christ alone. And I felt for the first time that I was ready for marriage. And I prayed, "God, I see Kostya and I serving together. If it's in your plan, he will propose again and I will say yes."

Our story:

In 2007 I met Kostya. We both came to China as teachers and ran into each other before our school's orientation. We hung out together with some other friends and in bible studies.

(kostya and I in 2007, fresh off the boat in Shanghai)

In 2008 our friendship grew deeper. I remember going to his apartment every other night in the winter of 2008 to use his Internet--and I wanted to procrastinate resubscription of my own internet so I could continue to have an excuse to see him. He would pour me a cup of tea (with jam!) and we would talk. hehehe.

The moments I began to like him more was when I saw him sharing Jsus -- opening his home to random people -- starting groups to teach English to ppl. I was definitely inspired by his hospitality to do likewise in my ministry.

He invited me to help shop for his mother preceding his trip to see his family in Russia. I saw his unselfish love for his family. I remember that night we had talked in Starbucks until they kicked us out to close up shop.

That winter we went to Nanjing together. Train ride, a lot of walking, the wall, boat ride hehehe, did we play phoosball at the hostel?, massacre museum, light saber wars, fun memories.

(us in 2008, 1st trip to Nanjing)

In 2009, I would text Kostya to tell him I'd be leading worship on Sunday and...while worshipping I would look for his face in the crowd.

Then he joined my worship team as the drummer! And we would ride to church together on his electric moped.

Whenever I had music gigs and performances Kostya would support me. That year we played together at a concert at Cloud 9 Shopping Mall and a different charity event. :) When mamatown coffee shop opened, we were playing there regularly.

(winter 2009/2010 nicky, me, kostya at mamatown)

Then Christmas 2010 he came to new york and Boston. Where we had our little drama and resolution. I learned about better communication; I also learned about how to be more aware of how I attend to people. Though, people often only talk about the positives and highlights of going into marriage, I believe it's in the little dramas where you draw closer to each other. You learn more about each other. You learn how to work it out and trust in God to bind you together.

Blessed

I am so blessed.
This reminds me of an entry I wrote a few years back during thanksgiving where I was missing my family and the festivities surrounding the holidays. Then i was reminded of what i do have. Again, I know that I can't complain about anything in life because I know I have so much. God has given me more than I can ask for.

Recently I've been feeling extremely blessed. Why? I'm just really happy. I've been so happy.
Depending on perspective, I know I might not have a high-paying job but I feel like I make so much--I enjoy the luxury of food whenever I feel hunger, I have an apartment with heat, electricity and water, I have a phone, laptop and much more. And to top it all off, I have life--life is exciting; sometimes its hard, sometimes it's exhilarating, and sometimes it's frustrating -- but we have it and through it we learn, experience, sense, so many things.

Thank you, God, for life

So Cool

Rather slow on my side, but I've finally discovered how to avoid using a ghetto proxy server to post entries. A million thanks to my good friend and biggest blog fan for the suggestion!

Now to test out my picture posting functionality:


This week I attended a TV sponsored event where CNBC awarded various business leaders in China. I saw executives from the likes of Ajisen's CEO, Spring Airline's CEO, and others that I don't clearly recall. It was a flashy event at a five star hotel with a decent buffet-style dinner. 

I could end here but I don't like to post entries that aren't meaningful and without some sort of inspiration. So, I guess if anything that I got from the event other than a full stomach was some inspiration from the one woman awardee, given the largest achievement of business leader of the year award. She mentioned being stubborn, but her example wasn't that of stubbornness, it was strength of character and ethics. With her good business sense she was firm enough to refuse business from companies offering generous kickbacks (aka bribes), when others were pleading with her to do otherwise. I commend her. 

Sent from my iPhone

spiritual disciplines.

One of my favorite youth kids called me today. She shared with me about how she's been doing spiritually and things that she's learned recently. Then she asked me how I was doing.

I fumbled around talking to find something to say. I've been okay. I've been a mess. I've been really happy. A mix of things this summer. I told her it was okay, and that God was teaching me to trust/rely on him and to be thankful. I also told her that I've realized that I need to work harder on spiritual disciplines. Pastr Jason had said on Sunday, that the most effective teachers were the ones that lived by example--why should they listen to you if you don't live the way you tell others to live. I felt convicted but then forgot about it. But as I was talking on the phone, it was brought back to the forefront of my mind. I have really wanted to tell my small group girls--you must be spiritually disciplined, you must make it a priority, you must read and spend time in Gd's word--but how can I tell them, when I'm so bad at it myself. I told her. I know I can do it. I know I can. I really need to make it a priority. I've been so selfish. I put spiritual disciplines in the back burner. But I know I can do it. I've done it before.

I was in maybe junior high when Pstor Dan preached about daily devotions. You can't expect to grow in Him and know Him if you don't spend time with Him. That year, everyday, I passionately sought Gd's word each morning, sometimes twice a day, to pray and read Hs word. He spoke to me. It was clear to me. Sometimes I wish I could rewind and go back. Since now is now, I hope to pursue what I had before, and more. Gd, draw me closer to you.

happening. love is won.

This past Saturday, I was involved in a young man’s plot to propose to his girlfriend. He planned to bring his girlfriend to the restaurant I sing and play at every Saturday night. It was their 4 year anniversary. I “surprised” them by announcing their anniversary and dedicating a song to them–I sang and played the song ”爱很简单” “Love is Simple” on the piano–when I finished I invited them to the stage to share about their 4 years. The guy got up and started sharing in Chinese how it was so uncommon for a Zhangjiang guy like him to have such a beautiful girlfriend–and how they met in college–and listing off all these other wonderful qualities about her. After speaking for some time he got down on his knee with a ring box in hand while saying something to the effect of “all these thing, this is why now I’d like to ask you now to marry me. 我们永远不要分开好吗? Let’s stay together forever.” The restaurant was clapping and she took the mic in her hand, wiping the tears from her eyes and said in English, “Yes, I do.”

I started playing the piano again softly, singing the song I had been playing earlier. “I love you, say we’re together baby, say we’re together. I love you 一着在爱你, 一着在爱你. I love you一着不愿意，失去你.”

Commentary on marraige—from an unmarried person:

爱 is the Chinese word for love. 爱情 is the Chinese phrase for the love between a guy and girl–it’s the kind of love that implies a guy/girl relationship.

I believe that ideally 爱情 is something that is fought for–it is something won. If that young man proposing didn’t persist in treating his girlfriend with such adoration over the 4 years and if he didn’t get on his knee, present a ring, say those sweet things, express how he really felt about her–his beautiful girlfriend may have hesitated. Jacob fought 7 years to win Rachel, then, worked another 7 years to finally receive her as his wife. He was proving to Rachel’s father, that he was willing to wait and work for her.

There is something beautiful about an 爱情that is fought for. I also believe that ideally 爱情 is something that needs to be continually fought for within marraiges. My friend had said yesterday, the dating relationship is the best–but then it goes down hill after marraige, no more flowers and sweet talk. I disagreed. I told her my dad still buys my mom flowers and takes her out on dates. They go for walks together and pray together each morning. I believe in a relationship even after 30 years, you can fight against the idea of things getting old, the idea that your spouse is an annoyance or not exciting anymore, you need to fight for that 爱情.

Maybe this sounds like a depiction of the influence of cultural media and love as told in fairy tales/movies/novels, but I think the difference is that our culture will tell us that when you fall in love with a person you pursue them–until you fall out of love, or fall in love with someone else. On the contrary, the idea that “love is fought for”, means that it requires effort–and continued effort–even after the fuzzy feelings are gone. We love because Gd first loved; Gd’s love is unconditional, and so we learn from his example–to give good gifts, to give up our life/time/comfort, to forgive endlessly, to show kindness, patience, compassion, trust, etc.

To sum this up, 爱情 is a wonderful thing–a gift from Gd, it grows if we water it, so I’d like to wish all my married friends and the bunch about to be married to be encouraged to together, with Gd as your strength and example, to fight to grow your 爱情.

Life to the fullest?

I still remember what Kendra said when I asked her—are there any things you want to do in your life before you die? She said, “No not really. I just want to live a simple life, like it says in the Bible, ‘a simple and quiet life’—get married, have a family.” I was surprised at her answer at first. For one, I didn’t realize that was in the bible, and second, there are all these random dreams that are always popping up into my mind, like—being a starved artist with a CD to hand out, organizing a concert, going to a remote village to share jsus, being a powered business woman, being a preacher, being a novelist, all these random completely different dreams. But sometimes, I think ehh, how about a simple life? …I already live a simple life actually, but there’s always this inkling in my mind that I’m supposed to do more—that I was made for more than this.
And like John Ortberg says in his book, we’re so worried about what other people think of us. –as I was reading the first page of “The Life You’ve Always Wanted: spiritual disciplines for ordinary people” I was screaming over and over again in my mind “Yes! Yes that’s exactly what I feel and think.”


He writes: “I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed not so much with particular things I have done as with aspects of who I have become. I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be… Sometimes I am too concerned about what others think of me, even people I don’t know. Some of this disappointment, I know, is worse than trivial; it is simply the sour fruit of self-absorption. I attend a high school reunion and can’t choke back the desire to stand out by looking more attractive or having achieved more impressive accomplishments than my classmates. I speak to someone with whom I want to be charming, and my words come out awkward and pedestrian. I am disappointed in my ordinariness. I want to be, in the words of Garrison Keillor, named “Sun-God, King of America, Idol of Millions, Bringer of Fire, The Great Haji, Thun-Dar the Boy Giant.” But some of this disappointment in myself runs deeper… I am disappointed also for my life as a husband, friend, neighbor, and human being in general."

"I am disappointed that I still love Gd so little and sin so much. I always had the idea as a child that adults were pretty much the people they wanted to be. Yet the truth is, I am embarrassingly sinful. I am capable of dismaying amounts of jealousy if someone succeeds more visibly than I do. I am disappointed at my capacity to be small and petty. I cannot pray for very long without my mind drifting into a fantasy. I can convince people I’m busy and productive and yet waste large amounts of time watching television."

"These are just some of the disappointments. I have other ones, darker ones, that I’m not ready to commit to paper. The truth is, even to write these words is a little misleading, because it makes me sound more sensitive to my fallenness than I really am. Sometimes, although I am aware of how far I fall short, it doesn’t even bother me very much. And I am disappointed at my lack of disappointment."

"Where does this disappointment come from? A common answer in our day is that it is a lack of self-esteem, a failure to accept oneself. That may be part of the answer, but it is not the whole of it, not by a long shot. The older and wiser answer is that the feeling of disappointment is not the problem, but a reflection of a deeper problem—my failure to be the person God had in mind when he created me. It is the “pearly ache” in my heart."



Yes, he takes my thoughts right out of my head and puts it on paper. There’s always this ache in my heart that I’m not living to be the person that I was created to be. I pretend when I talk to people to be doing many great and meaningful things—but in reality, I have this fear that I’m wasting my time and life away when I can be doing so much more. But what exactly is that –so-much-more-stuff that I should be pursuing? This is where I get stuck in a ditch and end up not getting anywhere. And, to make things worse—I really am letting my time eat away—playing video games, reading pointless trashy novels, and watching movies/tv on my laptop until my brain is mush.

“I have disappointed God. I have removed him from the central role he longs to play in my life; I have refused to “let God be God” and have appointed myself to his place.’ I am what I am.’ But that’s not all that I am. I am called to become the person Gd had in mind when he originally designed me. This is what is behind Kierkegaard’s wonderful prayer, “And now Lord, with your help I shall become myself.”

“This book is about spiritual growth. It is about that holy and mysterious process described by the apostle Paul when he said he was ‘in the pain of childbirth until Christ is formed in you.’ The goal of such growth is to live as if Jesus held unhindered sway over our bodies. Of course it is still we doing the living. But to grow spiritually means to live increasingly as Jesus would in our unique place—to perceive what Jesus would perceive if he looked through our eyes, to think what he would think, to feel what he would feel, and therefore to do what he would do.”


And now Lord, with your help, I shall become myself.
Help me to be more and more like you.
To pursue what you would pursue.

sucriada.

sucriada.blogspot.com + sucriada.wordpress.com

fyi, I'll be maintaining 2 blogs now--one on wordpress, because it works in China, and this one--as I feel this blog has subscribers, and I feel comfortable in this space. I'll likely be duplicating the entries on both sites.

"sucriada"
People in the past have asked me what it means, and I chose not to tell…but today I feel inspired to share in this entry.

I was in junior high or high school during the first generation of AIM instant messaging. I was in love with God–and when I say love I mean a deep infatuation–He was the center of my existence, the reason I breathed. I had a deep compassion for people who were misunderstood, the emotionally hurt, and those who didn’t understand or know God, and I wanted to show people that He really loved them deeply. My deepest desire was to serve him, to really serve him whole-heartedly and overcome my fears. I was terribly shy, and that was one thing that drew me closer to Him but made it hard to share. But he still brought me opportunities, and funnily, some had been brought to me via AIM.

Upon deciding an alternative screenname, I had been looking for a name that went along the lines of His Servant, and I found the translation for His Maid in Spanish was Su Criada, which was how I took on the screen name sucriada.

Ten years later, and fifteen minutes ago I found myself trying to think of a blog title, and I thought back on my day.

Seven hours ago, I got a phone call–requesting my assistance in helping my friend to move stuff out of her apartment to a new place. Five minutes later, I got a text message–requesting assistance in helping a different friend to--again move.

The hot stick of Shanghai summer plagued me, and I didn’t want to move fromm my sprawled-out position beneath my air conditioning. I dreaded the need to say yes to both my friends. Then I was convicted. Steph, don’t be a bum, be a servant. I began to realize that my attitude as of late has been that of the former. I live for my own comfort, aimlessly and brainlessly–living life like a habit.

Perfect, Su Criada. His Maid. What can be more humbling then a constant reminder that I live not to serve myself, but I belong to and serve an awesome, loving, all-powerful, all-knowing God.

After a long day of moving things well into midnight–I felt peace and joy and would-you-know-it, serving does not equate to simply self-suffering but rather it results in the blessing of deeper understanding of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness.

In this blog, I want to challenge myself and my friends to live a life of a servant. To be inspired to love and serve.

ramblings.

I didn't know him personally, but I got teary eyed when I heard he passed away suddenly. The chairman of my company passed from cancer on Monday. He was very accomplished and well known--bringing up an entire industry in China.

In a sort of drama-like way--our company seems to be experiencing something I feel like I've seen in a movie. Two days after the death of our chairman, during our Annual General Shareholder Meeting, --a surprise decision to remove our CEO from the board was made--mainly because one major shareholder holds enough votes to make this decision-- which looks like a move by this shareholder to take over power. This large shareholder, lists our company as its subsidiary, even though we are not. Furthermore, the decision to have the ability to issue new shares was also blocked--again looks to be a way for this shareholder to maintain its power and not have its share diluted.
Who knows what will happen next...

Love.

"Love is not an emotion, but a conscious act of sacrifice."

I believe that love is my favorite thing to write and talk about. Humanity was created with a craving for love and created to love. We live to find something or someone to be passionate about. "We love because He first loved us." It's hard to love when you've not experienced it yourself. But, when you come to realize that someone has already laid down his life for you, humbled himself to the least for you, endured mockery and suffering for you, then you know what love is.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking. Love is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Always hopes, always trusts, always protects, always perseveres--love never fails."

God, thank you for love.

Easter is coming and I'm reminded of Christ's sacrifice. As I quoted at the beginning--this is what love is, Jesus laid down his life for us.

My small group girls and I have been talking about the 5 love languages (words, time, gifts, touch, service) in an attempt to love others as Christ has loved us. How can we show Christ's love to the people around us?

In the first few weeks we practiced love through words. We wrote letters to people as God had led, and made attempts to encourage people verbally, and some girls made eCards and wrote poems. Now for the next few weeks we will practice love through time. Spend time with people--set dates to talk, walk, help someone with something, listen.

In other events, I thought I would mention here--two entries ago I talked about being single. A week or so after writing that entry...ironically...I'm no longer single. I am in a relationship with my very first boyfriend at my quarter century mark (25-y-o). I've had a crush on him since 2008 and had met him when I first arrived in China in 2007. He's special, and I know he's reading this. =) (He's read every single blog entry I've ever written since college). haha. He's special because he puts what God thinks above what others may think. He's unconventional. I like to believe that I go against the grain--but I don't do so nearly as much. I still often run to the comfort of sticking to societal norms and doing things that are safe and less risky--but I desire to be unconventional, I desire to be adventurous. He's funny and silly sometimes; then serious and deep at other times. He likes to help people by serving them. I like those things.

It's tough. My big love language is loving through time. I give people my time and presence to show that I care, but with this long distance relationship--it's nearly impossible to really love in that way. I've found that I need to use words to express love; and strangely, I'm not a person of many words--except when I write.

So here begins a new chapter in my life. <3

indecisiveness.

[thoughts]
Sometimes I'm just tempted to just go with whichever way the wind blows...but the problem is when there is wind blowing in all directions.

I float in one direction, yeah this feels alright, but then another wind blows then i'm pushed in another direction saying, no it's not alright.

I've always thought it wise, to seek wise council, but your wise council has differing opinions. Do I need a sign? or maybe multiple signs--the Do Not Enter sign and a One-Way sign.

bells are ringing.

metaphorically speaking.

but
Seriously, my friends are getting married left and right. Most of my best amigas in college have gotten themselves married or engaged, and it's starting to scare me just a little bit. I've been parading a proudly single banner for all my young adult life, and I'm getting the feeling that something is hovering behind me and I can't seem to escape it.... It's the "oh my goodness, I'm getting old"-syndrome, or idea...it's really bothering me. I try to pretend that I don't care...but I'm actually starting to...really care.

I'm not sure if I'm embarassed to say this or not, but I've been single all my life. As single as a... knife --and this makes sense when you think...a knife is not a chopstick...which comes in pairs... ha yeah. Anyways, I've always held the Christian ideal that I can trust in God to bring around the one when the time comes. I also like to imagine having only ever loved one person and given myself physically/emotionally to one person. Do I have so much faith that I'll hold out for someone who exhibits good character and mission-minded passions...I always thought dating in high school and college was silly, that I'd have so many things to do and accomplish first. Now I'm working, and I've been tempted to compromise my Christian ideals...I may have even slipped up occassionally...but...somehow...I still hold to them. I still choose to believe that God cares enough to bother about me. So that creeping syndrome/idea--I think I'll just turn around, grab it and toss it to the side. I've decided to have faith, and just live my life pursuing my own good character and mission-minded passions--developing my calling and gifts.

over the bump.

So my day one was not exactly smooth, but not exactly disastorous. I had written my first blog of the year around 1am, detailing my goals for the year. I missed the sleep goal, and the devos and prayer goal; having overslept. Rushing to work late I was a bit of a mess. --but things got better there after

At work I got several things accomplished, and to add on my professional goals, I was approached by an AVP who is part of the SIA, Semiconductor International Association. I was asked to participate in a forum as the "scribe". He explained to me that I would meet senior executives from the largest tech companies around the world, which may include, Intel, Samsung, TSMC, etc. I'd be housed in a 5-star hotel and paid a stipend. It sounds like an interesting opportunity, but I know I'm going to feel quite lonely out there for 3 days straight. Who's going to eat with me and chit-chat with me? I hope I make some good connections.

After work, ate skewers for dinner, went for a run and got ready for bed. I messed up my sleep goal again because I got distracted with new app-downloads search.

This morning, I got to work on time, score.

Another goal I need to add to my list, is tidyness and organization. My apartment is chaos times five. I really need to get a giant box and get rid of nine-tenths of my possessions.

happy lunar new year.

It's been one full year since I last blogged here, and I find that my English has been deteriorating. In order to maintain my ability to articulate myself without fumbling half so much and to keep my life in better order I've decided to revive my blogging.

As I do every year, I try to evaluate where my life, and what my goals are for the new year. I'm in my third year of doing Investor Relations for SMIC, having learned a lot about investor communications, capital markets, and investor behavior. I do like this job, but I still struggle with whether this is God's calling for me or not.

On a tangent,
I just got back from Korea today, and it was quite a trip. What really made my trip was the quality time with my college friends. My good friend Kevin hosted Wendy and I the whole 4 days. We stayed at his girlfriend's place and he brought us to his favorite spots. We ate are hearts out and did a lot of walking. We went to the markets, malls, an ancient palace, movie theater, a musical-like show, and to the largest church in the world. Even with all we did, there were still a number of things we'd need to go back and do.
Again, the highlight was my friends. Kevin was a lot of fun and a stress free sort of tour guide, it was nice. I highly appreciate his friendship and pray that he finds good fellowship with believers who care about the same issues he does and maybe he will realize his need to pursue god and god's will for him. I also met with Christine, whose main preoccupation of brain space was the desire for a boyfriend. It's fun to talk to her about boys, as I'm spending all my time hanging with Wendy who neverrr talks about that kind of thing. All in all, it was a fun trip; and I would love to go again.

Back on track,
my goals for the year involve, spiritual, physical, mental, professional, relational, and musical development.

1. Spiritual
Last Sunday, the pastor of AGIF came and talked about passion. A passion in life, for God, His Word, in prayer. He had an analogy I really liked. Your christian life is like a new iPad, you can have this valuable thing but you can choose to put it to major usage or little to no usage. Like the people who never download apps, and just use it to do a few basic things like..listen to music. There's so much more you can do with it though! You can read and study on it, make music with it, play games, keep a diary and schedule, etc etc. In your Christian walk you can add all different apps, its stlil a iPad..Christian walk..even without all the apps, but the more you add the more you make of it--its value-added. Pray, devos, ministry opportunities, acts of love, etc etc.
Apps to download;
daily morning prayer
daily bible reading
daily acts of love
tithing

2. Physical
Running? or buy eliptical from friend
Drink water, morning, at work, and evening
Eat out less or eat more veggies
Sleep earlier - aim to use bathroom at 9-9:30 to get ready for bed, wake 6 or 7am, with 7-8 hours of sleep

3. Mental
Study CFA notes, on ipod riding transportation, bathroom breaks
Study Chinese daily at lunch

4. Professional
Keep focused and create checklists
Consider new job opportunities
Network, keep friendly with as many ppl possible, keep track of contacts
Strive for excellence and professionalism and accuracy

5. Relational
Send emails to family and friends to check up and catch up
Send encouraging testimonies' links to ppl
Check up with my Shanghai friends' spiritual lives

6. Musical development
Vocal lessons with Christina Weidner
Write a new song every 3rd week of the month