new beginnings.

I'd like to believe that there are always chances at new beginnings.

On new year's day I wrote a letter to my friend whom I talked about in my previous entries. I wanted to bless her in the new year. I chose not to dwell on past events even though I had already journaled my hurt in those moments. I know hurtful events and emotions merely fog and cloud judgment and keep us from having a clear vision to our true callings. I got to talk to my friend and I felt at peace with where things were left at.

Leaving that relationship aside, there are still other issues I'm battling on my own. What are my gifts? What are my callings? Am I living a life of striving for exellence? Striving for integrity (blameless and without reproach)? Am I living a life of love (agape, unconditional love)? I've been struggling to balance my life--what things are important, and what desires are important to fulfill now, and what desires must I push aside and delay for the appropriate timing. I also sometimes struggle with trusting that God has his timing. Right now in this moment I have faith that he has a plan...but other times I start to doubt and I find myself making bad judgment calls in those moments--i compromise even my morals--and this is where i feel shame, that I've not pursued integrity--I chose the easy way--I am not without reproach. Then..I know God is forgiving. What an awesome God. I was reading Psalms...the words of a man who sinned over and over again--who was always begging God to rescue him from his enemies, and I sort of felt encouraged that a man so flawed could be so close to God's heart.

I'll admit openly, I've been looking for love in the wrong places, thinking that God is not enough. I seek attention from new friends, admiration for my talents or appearance, ...and in other ways...just longing for more....I need to trust that God is enough for me.

I'm praying for a new attitude for the new year...What is it that I am striving for?

Outside of work--the countless things I've been doing:
Mondays I have youth group planning, Tuesdays I play music at mamatown cafe, Wed I go to Oasis fellowship, Thurs I go to TAG fellowship, Fri I go to youth group and lead a small group, Sat I teach guitar and go to Chinese corner, Sunday I have youthgroup worship practice, and then everything repeats.

I've been reading jaeson ma's blog, which gets emailed to me everyday. In this new year he decided to start "365 days of love". Everyday he writes about his act of love for the day--little things like feeding someone hungry...giving bus money...giving time to talk...it seems really neat. maybe something not so difficult to take on. something that can be done within the normal daily routine. I really do hope that my life is not aimless and uncaring for those around me. I pray that I can live each day intentional, sharing God's love with the people around me--that my eyes will no longer be focused on myself.

So...tomorrow will be my day one.