day 2~ 3: unreciprocated love.

this whole challenge...has made me realize... i really lack courage.
i've never found myself so scared, and perhaps i've never put myself in this position where i've forced myself to go talk to people...especially here in a country where my language skills are not yet at a level of confidence. i fear being laughed at, or misunderstood, that because i look native but can't speak native people will look down on me.
yesterday which was my day 2, i found myself having a hard time of thinking what to do. i asked my friends if i could love on them...one just said..."spend time with me"...but i didn't even have time...i had to rush around all day. teaching guitar, studying, showing up at a party, and going to a chinese learning corner.
the only act of love i found myself able to do was making smoothees for the guests at the party i attended.
and if loving non-humans counted...i think i fell in love with my neighbors one month old puppy as it cuddled in my arms and fell asleep as i cuddled it in my lap.

day 3: after churching, eating, there was worship practice at my place...we were loud. and i know my neighbors really dislike it. i went down to show some love to my neighbor downstairs...with a bag of fruit in hand. i was scared out of my witts. i'm shy and scared of people, especially when i have to speak chinese to local older people who do not approach me first. i tried to talk to my neighbor...but she wouldn't open the door. she talked to me with the door closed. i told her in my broken chinese that i wanted to apologize for being loud...i was scared to mention that i brought her fruit as she said..they were resting and it was noisy. she told me not to apologize and to simply stop being noisy. i left...and left the bag of fruit outside the door with a note--not sure if she received it or not.
honestly....i thought that loving people would make me feel good...but it's been making me feel depressed...i suppose that's what one-way love feels...when it's unreciprocated.

well...i know i am blessed, and i praise god for my blessings. unreciprocated love often makes me want to cry...and then i'm reminded of christ--his unconditional love--his more often than not unreciprocated love. thank u god. thank u for love.
i pray for my neighbors.