burned.

[thoughts/rants]
I sometimes wonder if I should alter my non-conflict, non-confrontational personality and opt for the more gratifying instant blow out personality, which remains a movie reeling in my head.
I always picture what exactly I'd want to say to people to make them see that they are wrong and completely irrational, but the real play-out is this refined polished tippy-toeing that results in the other person not knowing I have any resentment toward them or their actions, and I put myself in all the blame. My natural response is to make the other person feel better, and blame myself or demean myself when it is clear in my mind that this person is in the wrong. The trick is to make the person realize that they can stop blaming others, since it's been acknowledged already, and attempt to trigger them to introspect at their own faults so it's not me doing it since they don't want to hear it from me anyhow.

This time it didn't work. My current situation is frustrating to the point of random-spurts-of-screaming-tension when no one is looking. I feel like I'm in frickin junior high, living out the drama I never actually lived. We're adults for crying out loud! I've never imagined such immaturity from someone so seemingly-mature. I've made some mistakes, and I've admitted them openly, but this person's mind is overly twisted in insecurity and distrust. She claims to have "trusted" and then subsequently hurt. I acknowledge that she was hurt, but more out of her own mind's imagination. Someone who makes up scenarios in her mind of the worst is not actually someone who can claim that she "trusted."

And so goes my rant. I'm a poster-child for passive-aggressive personality types. I smile with enthusiasm with the people that frustrate me the most. I've never told her what I felt toward her irrational reactions and just apologized for the hurt I caused her. Then I rant about them in a journal or in an angry song. Somehow it makes me feel better in the end.

Forgiveness is always something I've valued, and a value that I appreciate that Christ has taught us. It's frustrating when you know a sister can't truly forgive, and it only makes it harder for you to forgive them in return. I actually do forgive her now, but will I be able to forgive her each and every time she treats me like trash? Will I keep smiling at her, asking her how she's doing each and every time? Do I stop inviting her to hang with me when she's told me she doesn't want my friendship? I understand that Christ tells us to forgive infinite times over, I'm just praying that I can do it and that the hurt I feel from each rejection can be dissolved by God's love--instead of the acceptance I yearn from the people who have caused it.

I often get burned by the friends I hold the closest. I suppose it's better to hold them at an arm's length.

God, heal my burn.