[thoughts].
I know I can seem quite emotional in these entries, but it's because this is my venting place. Where I come to when I have no one to vent aloud to. I just want you to know that I'm a relatively happy person, but the few times I feel upset or distraught I come right here--I write what I feel right in the center of my frustration. I'll continue to do that...as this is a window to the thoughts I think in the rarer moments of reflectiveness. It's where I can come back and see where I had been in specific events that I never actually specify.
I'm feeling quite reflective at the moment...and this mood is a sort of mellow type of feeling, which I used to feel a lot more when I was in high school and middle school. I went home to Massachusetts one time, and I was told I was different. I seemed happier. I was a cheery, energetic sort of person who seemed very excited about things that were going on in my life. It hit me like I was mud--taking some time to really sink in and for me to be like --"hrm..ahh. i think I see what you mean." I began to realize just how mellow, down-ish person I used to be when I was in primary school and even college. I've become happier. I became more confident. I was surrounded by people that made me feel better about myself.
Not sure what I'm writing about anymore, but I suppose for the friends out there reading this. Thanks for those who keep me in your prayers. Don't let my frustrations worry you though...I still cling to God tightly, but just as David had, as Job had, in their desparation they cried out their sorrows and pains to the Lord--and He heard them.
I think I never realized how such petty things would effect me. I'm learning...the dangers of emotional attachment before you seek god's guidance.
Even now I'm feeling quite well, but I know behind some layers of mush in my mind there is lingering pain from hurt pride, hurt confidence, and broken friendships--things that I had not really experienced much of until recently.
This Monday, I made the decision to be stronger. On my cell phone I recorded my own voice to tell myself, "Steph, you're going to be strong now. You're not going to let yourself be weak. You're going to lean on God." I don't want to waste too much brain megabytes on silly things--or self-pity. I do believe God has called us to do much, but we are tempted to focus too much on ourselves that we forget about our callings.
I have a calling...I just need to figure out what it is.
