wave-like

[thoughts].

I know I can seem quite emotional in these entries, but it's because this is my venting place. Where I come to when I have no one to vent aloud to. I just want you to know that I'm a relatively happy person, but the few times I feel upset or distraught I come right here--I write what I feel right in the center of my frustration. I'll continue to do that...as this is a window to the thoughts I think in the rarer moments of reflectiveness. It's where I can come back and see where I had been in specific events that I never actually specify.

I'm feeling quite reflective at the moment...and this mood is a sort of mellow type of feeling, which I used to feel a lot more when I was in high school and middle school. I went home to Massachusetts one time, and I was told I was different. I seemed happier. I was a cheery, energetic sort of person who seemed very excited about things that were going on in my life. It hit me like I was mud--taking some time to really sink in and for me to be like --"hrm..ahh. i think I see what you mean." I began to realize just how mellow, down-ish person I used to be when I was in primary school and even college. I've become happier. I became more confident. I was surrounded by people that made me feel better about myself.

Not sure what I'm writing about anymore, but I suppose for the friends out there reading this. Thanks for those who keep me in your prayers. Don't let my frustrations worry you though...I still cling to God tightly, but just as David had, as Job had, in their desparation they cried out their sorrows and pains to the Lord--and He heard them.

I think I never realized how such petty things would effect me. I'm learning...the dangers of emotional attachment before you seek god's guidance.

Even now I'm feeling quite well, but I know behind some layers of mush in my mind there is lingering pain from hurt pride, hurt confidence, and broken friendships--things that I had not really experienced much of until recently.

This Monday, I made the decision to be stronger. On my cell phone I recorded my own voice to tell myself, "Steph, you're going to be strong now. You're not going to let yourself be weak. You're going to lean on God." I don't want to waste too much brain megabytes on silly things--or self-pity. I do believe God has called us to do much, but we are tempted to focus too much on ourselves that we forget about our callings.

I have a calling...I just need to figure out what it is.

emo

i think i've cried a lot in the past week, more than i should think normal. it's quite pathetic really. i'm thinking that it might have something to do with PMS. considering nothing but petty things have happened to trigger my emo-ness.
i cried because my electricity stopped working for a while in the cold while I'm sick with a cold and when my fuse box exploded.
i've also cried because of the way a friend talks to me. that's probably the silliest part of it all...i keep going home and crying after having smiled fully in their face.
i know this person doesn't mean to be cruel, or i assume they don't, but it sorta seems to hurt me when someone acts as if they'd rather not see my face--or the tone of their voice and the look on their face implies it even if they mean it to show.
goodness i'm really sensitive...

i used to be mad at myself for being human...thinking that i could try hard and overcome human tendencies. i used to be pretty good at it. but as always i realize i can't keep it up...i feel and completely am...human. i have these urges and desires to be accepted...to be cared for...to be loved...and i wish that i didn't care so much. but sometimes i slip up, and i act on my slip-up. i want people to like me, to care about me, to want to be around me. and i find myself hurt after slipping up into this mode and failing. i can normally just tell myself all i need is God--God's love is enough. But sometimes I slip and think...but I want more than that...and that's when I find myself feeling lost and alone...

"and all of you, is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need you satisfy me with your love, and all i have in you, is more than enough."

burned.

[thoughts/rants]
I sometimes wonder if I should alter my non-conflict, non-confrontational personality and opt for the more gratifying instant blow out personality, which remains a movie reeling in my head.
I always picture what exactly I'd want to say to people to make them see that they are wrong and completely irrational, but the real play-out is this refined polished tippy-toeing that results in the other person not knowing I have any resentment toward them or their actions, and I put myself in all the blame. My natural response is to make the other person feel better, and blame myself or demean myself when it is clear in my mind that this person is in the wrong. The trick is to make the person realize that they can stop blaming others, since it's been acknowledged already, and attempt to trigger them to introspect at their own faults so it's not me doing it since they don't want to hear it from me anyhow.

This time it didn't work. My current situation is frustrating to the point of random-spurts-of-screaming-tension when no one is looking. I feel like I'm in frickin junior high, living out the drama I never actually lived. We're adults for crying out loud! I've never imagined such immaturity from someone so seemingly-mature. I've made some mistakes, and I've admitted them openly, but this person's mind is overly twisted in insecurity and distrust. She claims to have "trusted" and then subsequently hurt. I acknowledge that she was hurt, but more out of her own mind's imagination. Someone who makes up scenarios in her mind of the worst is not actually someone who can claim that she "trusted."

And so goes my rant. I'm a poster-child for passive-aggressive personality types. I smile with enthusiasm with the people that frustrate me the most. I've never told her what I felt toward her irrational reactions and just apologized for the hurt I caused her. Then I rant about them in a journal or in an angry song. Somehow it makes me feel better in the end.

Forgiveness is always something I've valued, and a value that I appreciate that Christ has taught us. It's frustrating when you know a sister can't truly forgive, and it only makes it harder for you to forgive them in return. I actually do forgive her now, but will I be able to forgive her each and every time she treats me like trash? Will I keep smiling at her, asking her how she's doing each and every time? Do I stop inviting her to hang with me when she's told me she doesn't want my friendship? I understand that Christ tells us to forgive infinite times over, I'm just praying that I can do it and that the hurt I feel from each rejection can be dissolved by God's love--instead of the acceptance I yearn from the people who have caused it.

I often get burned by the friends I hold the closest. I suppose it's better to hold them at an arm's length.

God, heal my burn.

how to ruin your life.

I've never been an expert on the topic titled above, because I've never gotten around to doing the above-mentioned. But with my judging eyes I feel like I've seen a few people experiment with the above. I don't mean to be cruel to these people or judgmental--but from an outsider's eyes this is how things may appear. (and i'm feeling a little emotional about someone right now and this is my medium to vent)

1. Getting married too young. Am I being too pointed? I really do believe this can ruin your life...but at the same time it could be one of the best things someone can do. More often than not though I see this go awry. Hitched to a person who is a bum, and not moving in the direction you'd like to go--someone who weighs you down. Don't get me wrong--I highly value the sanctity of marraige, but I've seen girls rush into it without really thinking about what they truly want to do with their lives and what their husbands want to do with their lives. God gave our lives purpose...hitch yourself to the one who has the same one or one that complements yours.

2. Flunk a class or two your senior year after three years of excellent grades. I saw a friend do this, which you would think could just be a sign of "senior slack", but really it became a habit. The senior slack became a life-time of slack and a loss of confidence and motivation. I'm seeing it again in someone younger now. Three years of excellent grades and then poor grades senior year. I'm afraid to see what this leads to. It's probable she'll lose some of her scholarships from her college of choice...then she might not be able to afford it anymore. She will end up going to a school that's a par lower.

3. Flunk out of college--in a Chinese family. This is a way to make your parents feel very ashamed and moreover feel like failures as parents. I also saw this happen and I even cried for the hopelessness they felt. This also can lead to a loss of confidence and motivation. Parents aren't sure if they should cry or yell--how do you remedy the situation.

I have a few more to add, but I'm afraid to add them.
I wanted to add a good note.
Though there are many ways to ruin your life...I should probably add addictions to the list (drugs, video games, socializing, eating) well anything that keeps you from functioning normally in society and messes the balance of priorities--anyhow as I was saying--though there are many ways to ruin your life, there are ways to redeem your life.
I've seen friends who went through the above-mentioned things and really redeemed their situations.

1. I do believe it's very difficult to redeem a bad marraige, but it's not impossible. Though my friend's bad marraige weighs her down, she's strong and is pushing forward with these weights on our shoulders. She's studying to be a nurse while being a parent and wife--with little help though from her husband.

2. I know there have been countless high school slackers who have proven themselves successful during college or after college in their jobs. I'm hoping the younger one I mentioned will redeem herself in her college years and prove to not have lost motivation and discipline.

3. He flunked out freshman year and was asked not to return, but a different college accepted him with grace and turned him into a leader. He used to seem so shy and sad but now he beams with joy and has found and exhibits his talents.

I'm a little upset right now and feeling like a parent, though I'm not yet. It's sad to see people make bad decisions, and know you have no control over the situation. I know I don't have any control and most of what I say is useless. All I can do is support/encourage them and pray. I'm not supposed to worry about them...I know I need to trust that God is in control and to trust in the knowledge that there is always redemption.

addiction.

[thoughts.]
I confess. I'm addicted.

Last Tuesday night I was lonely and bored, so I took a walk outside to get some air. I strided around the corner down the busy sketch-alley and stopped by the convenient store to buy a bottle of water.
Sipping water and walking down Guan Lan Road I glaced over at the stash of illegal DVD's being sold and pretended to be disinterested. My conscience got to me--and it wasn't the idea of buying an illegal DVD that made me walk away, but the thought of spending money on a movie that I could watch online for free.

Crossing the street, walking ever so slowly, I came across the man in the jean jacket. And that's when I saw them.

I picked one up, and asked how much one cost. He told me I had to buy all four. I felt torn. Do I get all four? With hesitation in my eyes I asked how much that'd cost. He thought for a moment and told me "100 kuai."

"I don't have 100 kuai with me," I told him--but in my American-accented Chinese.

"Pay me later. You can have it now."

"Hao a."

So I walked off with all four.

I have no life now. For the last three days since I bought the set, I've been sneaking them to work and reading between my page loads, between my lunch break, while I walk from place to place, I fall asleep reading them, and read right when I wake up.

Some call it obsession, some call it addiction.

But I know, it will soon be over.

It's strange how I go through these addictions. And sometimes it's embarassing. It's embarassing that I'm addicted to the Twighlight Saga, and how they're a set of books about vampires. When I first heard my co-worker talking about the series, I wanted to snicker. Now look who's addicted.

The thing that draws me in is the way the main character seems to relate to me--as she does to most females. It's so raw, honest, transparent, and it just echoes memories of personal experiences.

I envy Bella. Silly, I know. She's just a fictional character. I envy her candidness, her bravery, and as all girls secretly do but are embarssed to admit...(shhh) her true love. (gag) yes i know. (gag again)

But it's fiction.

So fellow hopeless romantics, we continue to dwell in our fantasies through our books, movies, and drama series, knowing, as a realist, that life may hold quite large disappointments.

fearless.

[thoughts.]
i do not care what peope think. i will not think about whether or not they think i'm crazy or ridiculous. i will not shy away because they might think i'm younger, less experienced, less knowledgeble. i will not let the fear of what other people think get in the way of doing kind acts. i will do. i will do. i will do and not think. not fear.

I need to rant these things to myself enough so that they become my reality. Evidentally, I am in constant fear of what people might think, but I have decided not to let these get to me. I will will myself to not think illy of something I've done that is good.

All my life has been a reactive opinionless sway to other's thoughts and opinions. "I don't care, whatever you want is what I want." Gah, other people must get so frustrated with me...the lack of confience, the over-indecisivness. It's frustrating to look at me from an outward perspective. I need confidence in my own opinion, in my own abilities, in what I have to say. Come on, steph. You're capable.

I've been trying to take this fearless concept in my ministries, and that's been tough as well. Tell them about faith and not care if they think you're crazy. Sometimes I fear awkwardness--but once again I need to tell myself. Do it. Don't care about what they think. Do what's right--that's all that matters. Don't tell the easy happy things, tell the true real things.

Fear can be a healthy thing, it can drive you to do the right things...but fear can be an unhealthy thing when it prevents you from doing the right things.

resolve.

[thoughts].
I have gathered the resolve to finally make some change, set some goals, and be proactive about the direction of my life. There's something dangerous about being comfortable--it's the feeling of apathetic satisfaction, feeling okay with the constant habit of life. I've said this before, but I need to repeat it to myself. I will not live life like a habit!

I had fallen into my air-headed state-of-being for such a long time and now I'm determined to get out of it. Gosh, so many people in this world don't realize just how much they are capable of. We're born with abilities, and the mere ability to develop abilities. We're blessed with talents, hands and a mouth that speaks. These things should not lay idle. I'm always afraid that my talents aren't good enough--but life is not meant to be lived in fear. Muscles are meant to be strained whether or not they begin weak.

I've been listening to John Elderidge every morning. He's always using allusions of life being a spiritual battle--not just any little fight but a full-fledged war. Sometimes I shrug off his metaphors as being overly hyperbolic...but perhaps there's a lot of truth to what he describes. Sometimes by being so passive I've feel as if I'm the wimp sitting on my sword waving a white flag. But today...I was inspired. I was praying and it just came to me.

I need to be more daring, take risks, strive for more.

so i've been thinking of some ideas for new year's resolutions:

health--cook and eat fruits and veggies
train for great wall marathon
beauty--dress well, wash hair, and look presentable everyday
spirituality--spend time being still and in prayer, read the bible, journal, share testimonies with friends
music--write some songs, find a way to perform, make some videos to work on polishing playing
chinese--study and finish the book i've been using for a year now
random--clean my apartment at least once a week
friendship--be a good friend. call ppl. ask them about their walk with god. encourage them.
youthgroup--be a good counselor. call youth. ask about their walks with god. encourage them.

faith.

[thoughts]
I've been struggling. A constant fight wars in my mind--me against myself. It's not so much a split personality so much as a split conscience...yet sometimes it's more than just a clear-cut right versus wrong.

Do I really know myself enough to make the right decisions? Do I know what I want, what I need?

Desires are meant to be filled, but they can be fulfilled in right or wrong ways.

I find myself on the verge of an action, determined--and in seconds I take back all my determination to hide in the safety of having not done.

Hiding is easier than the act of going out and figuring/chosing right over wrong.

How do we find God's will for our lives? If seeking puts you face to face with harder trials and struggles, it's easier to not attempt.

But that's stupid isn't it?

I'm having issues...

I know I'm being mysteriously unclear...but in jist...I fear certain experiences.

God, I pray for faith and wisdom.