shocking: indecisive girl makes a decisive decision.

I submitted the form and checked the box. I will be staying in China another year. ...

Yesterday, after feeling deflated from another afternoon of control-less time with my homeroom class, I regretted my decision to stay. Am I really cut out for this stress? The main problem is I have to fight my natural personality of over-laidbackness and be more strict. Can you fight the personality you've been born with-- everyday in a job?

I made my way to Thursday night Bible study after a discouraging afternoon with my students--knowing that guiltily I would go to the study for free food and space out during the study. And I felt all the more deflated. I brought my guitar to accompany, but the woman leading the singing would never sing in the key I played so I'd have to find the key and play by ear. Can I live like this? Feeling bad at work and then feeling bad at Bible studies? I need more excitement and life. My reason for staying is to make Chinese friends and learn to speak Chinese...and not this.--not to teach American/international spoiled children and not to hang out with 50+ year old Caucasians.

During the study, I journaled in my black leather planner, asking God to bless my decision to stay and bless my goals.

God answered. Instantly.

Four new people came in late to the Bible study. They were young Chinese professionals--recent grads. They're English was so-so. After the study, I was being a bit shy, but they started talking to me. I chose to walk with them to the gate and the whole group of us were chatting away like college friends--laughing, talking and joking--switching back and forth between English and Chinese. I had never felt so much joy since being in China. I had never wanted so badly to be friends with people and felt like there was a click. It was the feeling of being at home with Empower college/young adults. It was the first time...I believe...that people wanted, really wanted, to be my friends. It was the first time I had met Chinese people and exchanged contact info. I promised guitar lessons to a guy named Tim in exchange for Chinese lessons. I hope it works out because I'm stoked.

to stay or not to stay

I realize, as usual, I overestimate my abilities and hate to admit weakness...but this job is really difficult for me. February break is over and I have been dreading coming back to this classroom--and doesn't that sound horrid? I'm afraid of failure, and never until now does failure seem so clear in the horizon. I've never really considered myself capable of inevitable failure--I always believe that with effort and my abilities I can accomplish things well and impressively well. But sitting in this classroom, thoughts flash into my head of the lack of respect I have from my students, the chaos, the reprimands from administration, disappointed parents, and me doing my best and having no life, no joy. The depressing morbid side of me makes it impossible to stay.

Clearly, my thinking is not so clear currently.

If I were to put on my hopeful glasses, I would see that there are many moments here that I enjoy and room/time for good change. I was told by my superiors that I'm an excellent teacher but suck at discipline and classroom management. I love the individual personalities of my crazy students. I still don't know them well and I could use this semester to start to understand them better. I need to pray for them. I'm here to challenge myself learn about people. I need to not feel guilty when I punish students for bad behavior, because it's for their own good. I need to stop doing things to get my students to like me, and instead start doing things that is best for the class as a whole. I need to be more aware. I need to stop being a woss and be firm. I need to help them love words and love each other. I need to seek God and lean on him.

One of my goals while in China is to become more fluent...I need to make some Chinese-speaking friends--and extra time here will help. My main reason for staying is that I haven't accomplished the goals I had come out for.

I've been thinking about what God's will for my life is...and on the back of an old journal I found this verse scrawled: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." romans 12:2

soo, I'll be able to know God's will if I diverge from the pattern of this world and renew my mind...whatever that means.

My mind keeps flip-flopping. I'm afraid I'll hate my life if I stay another year, but it seems that God's telling me to stay. I need to get rid of my fear and look forward in anticipation toward what amazing things might happen.