[thoughts]
It's warm. It's beautiful. I love you, Spring.
Yesterday, I wore a skirt. It was white & flowy and paired with black & white knotted kitten heels.
I find it strange how in one day, I can feel both pretty and repulsive. I have difficulty putting effort into how I look in fear that I won't look pretty despite the effort. What will people think? ...gosh, how pathetic, that girl looks like she tried and she still looks gross...
I used to get ready in the morning, intentionally trying to look like I didn't try to look nice. I wanted to look like my appearance was effortless. The irony is in the fact that I was self-conscious of looking like I was self-conscious.
Who am I looking nice for?--the strange passer-byer?, the boy who ushers at the front door?, the pretty girls that make me feel uncomfortable?, or me and for confidence sake?
Have you ever wondered why certain people are so beautiful, but when you look at a picture of them you realize that they by no means have the beauty as is defined by society? They have a beauty that comes from their smiles. They have a beauty that comes from a joy that they exude. Some people have beauty that comes from mannerisms. Some people have beauty that comes from personality. Some people have beauty that comes from their intellect, talent, or heart.
It's not wrong to desire admiration, love, and confidence.
But I believe that we've placed an over-emphasis on a beauty that is only skin-deep. I think beauty should be pursued wholistically--taking into account all of the things above.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
speaking of vision...
[thoughts]
Coincidentally, or perhaps not, I was reading a devotional this morning that described a scene. You are driving in a storm, the wind and rain is pretty treacherous, but you're driving cautiously. You look down to your radio to change the station, and in that moment you have driven up on to a curb and hit a mailbox. What this was paralleling was that in our spiritual lives we've learned to face the storms, we've learned and know how to meneuver our way, but it isn't the storms that screw us over, it is when we take our eyes off the road. The driving scenario is oddly very reflective of my driving and recalls a many instances--namely, rear-ending while on the phone. And I realize in my spiritual life, the distractions and misdirection of my eyes lead to my downfall.
I had taken my eyes off the vision--so mesmorized by the bright lights on the radio, the interior, the materialism, the immediate affection, that I've driven into a pit. How can I keep my eyes from seeing, or rather focusing on the shallow, interior, and bring my eyes to see further out, deeper, more meaningfully, at things of true value?
Jesus, I confess even now that my eyes are on me. I've got a horrible case of near-sightedness.
I realize that keeping your eyes on Jesus, does not mean you do not see the things that immediately surround you in the closer environment, but instead he shows you, perhaps like a mirror, how the things around you really are and shows you a reflection of yourself. Perhaps it's like a filter, a better way of seeing life, through the eyes of a man who lived out of love, selflesness, and compassion.
How can I challenge myself each day to look out, and look at things through Him?
[turn your eyes upon jesus. look forward, on his wonderful face. and the things of this world will grow strangely dim. in the light of his glory and grace.]
Coincidentally, or perhaps not, I was reading a devotional this morning that described a scene. You are driving in a storm, the wind and rain is pretty treacherous, but you're driving cautiously. You look down to your radio to change the station, and in that moment you have driven up on to a curb and hit a mailbox. What this was paralleling was that in our spiritual lives we've learned to face the storms, we've learned and know how to meneuver our way, but it isn't the storms that screw us over, it is when we take our eyes off the road. The driving scenario is oddly very reflective of my driving and recalls a many instances--namely, rear-ending while on the phone. And I realize in my spiritual life, the distractions and misdirection of my eyes lead to my downfall.
I had taken my eyes off the vision--so mesmorized by the bright lights on the radio, the interior, the materialism, the immediate affection, that I've driven into a pit. How can I keep my eyes from seeing, or rather focusing on the shallow, interior, and bring my eyes to see further out, deeper, more meaningfully, at things of true value?
Jesus, I confess even now that my eyes are on me. I've got a horrible case of near-sightedness.
I realize that keeping your eyes on Jesus, does not mean you do not see the things that immediately surround you in the closer environment, but instead he shows you, perhaps like a mirror, how the things around you really are and shows you a reflection of yourself. Perhaps it's like a filter, a better way of seeing life, through the eyes of a man who lived out of love, selflesness, and compassion.
How can I challenge myself each day to look out, and look at things through Him?
[turn your eyes upon jesus. look forward, on his wonderful face. and the things of this world will grow strangely dim. in the light of his glory and grace.]
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
pick me up.
[thoughts]
I changed the first entry of this blog today; it's labeled [an introduction]. Reason for the change? Actually, I changed the intro, deleted a bunch of entries, and edited some of the ones that remain. And it was because I wanted to write, but everything that was already written here kept me from writing. I saw myself being unreal and embarassingly so. The inconsistency was troubling. How am I to talk about my faith and struggles when the previous writings were a fake filter of frustration?
Today is Wednesday, and I'm sitting in Lane Student Center typing away while waiting for a group meeting to occur. Today was like any other day. I woke up after having fallen asleep with my dinner, laptop, and papers all on my bed. Half-consciously, at 8am, I lifted my head and with a stressed voice I said "Oh crap," then I lay back down and slept. I don't actually remember why I did that, but I remember doing it. Perhaps for a split second I thought I was late to leave for class, but I wasn't.
I had written a note on facebook a couple nights ago...two nights ago?...about a missionary that came to cbcgl. My mother had heard him speak and pestered me nonstop to hear him speak, convinced it would give me vision. My mom was right. I half-believed her.
We are so apt to live life blindly, and I realize, sometimes we like to, but truthfully, we cannot do so forever. Without vision, we begin to lose purpose, and when the things we rely on fail us we lose complete sense of self and sense of security.
I admit, hand raised, I've been living blindly. I strive and live for things, and I don't even know why. I worked so hard to get a spiffy resume, thinking I could get a spiffy job, so that I can live in a spiffy house, and have spiffy clothes--and then maybe get a spiffy man. Screw the spiffyness. Gosh, I've fallen in so deep. I'm in so deep, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying really hard to get out. I plugged myself into a church, I plugged myself into ministries, I plugged myself into church leadership, and I even agreed to go overseas--though unsure if that was God's will. Gosh, but I'm still stuck. My brain has been set to a mode, a train of thought, a gear that seems locked in place. I'm selfish. I'm so materialistic and self-conscious that I admit this is my weakness. I want to be adored, admired--or at least think that I have the potential to be.
I used to think that I could give up everything and be a missionary if God asked me to. What happened? The thought of being somewhere without plumbing irks me. The thought of not having electricity frightens me--because, oh my gosh, I wouldn't be able to plug in my hair straightener. Ironically, my shallowness is drowning me. God, pick me up.
I changed the first entry of this blog today; it's labeled [an introduction]. Reason for the change? Actually, I changed the intro, deleted a bunch of entries, and edited some of the ones that remain. And it was because I wanted to write, but everything that was already written here kept me from writing. I saw myself being unreal and embarassingly so. The inconsistency was troubling. How am I to talk about my faith and struggles when the previous writings were a fake filter of frustration?
Today is Wednesday, and I'm sitting in Lane Student Center typing away while waiting for a group meeting to occur. Today was like any other day. I woke up after having fallen asleep with my dinner, laptop, and papers all on my bed. Half-consciously, at 8am, I lifted my head and with a stressed voice I said "Oh crap," then I lay back down and slept. I don't actually remember why I did that, but I remember doing it. Perhaps for a split second I thought I was late to leave for class, but I wasn't.
I had written a note on facebook a couple nights ago...two nights ago?...about a missionary that came to cbcgl. My mother had heard him speak and pestered me nonstop to hear him speak, convinced it would give me vision. My mom was right. I half-believed her.
We are so apt to live life blindly, and I realize, sometimes we like to, but truthfully, we cannot do so forever. Without vision, we begin to lose purpose, and when the things we rely on fail us we lose complete sense of self and sense of security.
I admit, hand raised, I've been living blindly. I strive and live for things, and I don't even know why. I worked so hard to get a spiffy resume, thinking I could get a spiffy job, so that I can live in a spiffy house, and have spiffy clothes--and then maybe get a spiffy man. Screw the spiffyness. Gosh, I've fallen in so deep. I'm in so deep, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying really hard to get out. I plugged myself into a church, I plugged myself into ministries, I plugged myself into church leadership, and I even agreed to go overseas--though unsure if that was God's will. Gosh, but I'm still stuck. My brain has been set to a mode, a train of thought, a gear that seems locked in place. I'm selfish. I'm so materialistic and self-conscious that I admit this is my weakness. I want to be adored, admired--or at least think that I have the potential to be.
I used to think that I could give up everything and be a missionary if God asked me to. What happened? The thought of being somewhere without plumbing irks me. The thought of not having electricity frightens me--because, oh my gosh, I wouldn't be able to plug in my hair straightener. Ironically, my shallowness is drowning me. God, pick me up.
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