thoughts and thing of the sort.

[thoughts].
My mind is swimming. I'm uncertain, unclear of what is wrong with me or the state I'm in. There is something empty or thoughtless in how I live. I lack discipline and clear purpose right now. More and more my personality is hardening...not in a cold sense but hardening like cementing into what it simply is. A number of time and years had been spent in attempt to mold and change what I was. I thought I could change who I was. I can't...or not really. I revert to the me who has and ever will be me. I hate that the me who is me is awkward. I can't talk to people I really want to get to know, and I cling to people who simply make me feel less awkward. There are certain people I admire...I can never know them, because perhaps I fear them. They trigger my uncertainty of self...and as awkwardly as I express my affection...it doesn't really show.

I'm quiet. I'm introverted. I really don't know how to build friendships and bridges with people that fate doesn't throw into my path--an inescapable pathway.
Will it change ever?

Currently I'm leading a small group of junior high girls and I feel horribly about it. I really don't know how to connect with them...I'm awkward though I shouldn't be. I'm the adult...but why do I feel like the awkward quiet seventh grader. I just never know what to say.

Yesterday I had a friend from Beijing come crash my place along with four other friends. They are wonderful...and I am wonderfully awkward. Not only do I not really know them...but I simply don't know how to contribute to conversation in general. They are wonderful outgoing people...what do I have to say to them? I don't know...because I have no experience in this. I run out of questions...my brain is slow. My mind is always going...but always thinks that none of the streams of thought are conversation appropriate. I'm overly mellow. I'm not very exciting. Actually these friends are still here and I've secluded myself in my room because I found myself awkwardly sitting there with nothing to say.
Er. awkward





the inescapable pathway?











[la musica]