sophie's world

"Long before the child learns to talk properly--and long before it learns to think philosophically--the world will have become a habit."

I sometimes wonder if I'm living my life thoughtlessly, repeating my humdrum routine, day in and day out.

I was reading Sophie's World(a novel narrated by a young girl exploring philosophy. quite strange but captivating), and it triggered some introspection. I haven't had much time to stop and think about my life and life in general. There's something ominous, something scarey about living life like a habit. There's an innate desire to live life like an adventure, venturing toward the unknown. I'm afraid of being stuck doing something, day in and day out dispassionately. So now I'm questioning my role teaching in this school on this side of the world. I thought I'd might like it, but why do I feel so exhausted everyday? If someone were to ask me if I enjoyed teaching, I might have to honestly reply with uncertain hesitation and hesitation itself implies some hidden truth. If I decided not to come back after this year would I regret and miss it? Or would I simply stay because staying is easier once life is habit and allow myself to feel uncertain.

Happenings.
I'm a wuss. I really don't know how to be firm. I wonder if somehow my past contributes to how I am in this matter. Why don't I know how to confront people? Why do I fear conflict when it's needed? Why do I just say "yes, whatever" all the time!! I once told a friend that my older sister was too nice and would never say no to anyone. I said that I worried about her. He replied by saying that I was the same way, and I didn't want to believe it. It wasn't until recently that I realized that this was completely true. I don't know how to be honest to myself. Everything is always okay. Nothing is ever wrong.

I got convinced to spend nearly all the money at this spa like skin or something facial place because they made it so hard to say no, and for some reaon I couldn't figure out why I kept saying okay. I said okay as tears streamed down my face. Why, steph? Why did you say Okay?
I don't really want to go out to eat, but someone will ask and I'll say "Okay" with a really enthusiastic face. Someone will say something mean or offensive and I'll be hurt....they'll apologize and I just say "oh that's okay, I didn't mind," when really it did hurt or when I'm still bothered. Why do I do this?

Other happenings.
My older sister is in a relationship. I think it's her first relationship, but honestly, what do I know. I wish she would talk to me more, but then again I barely talk to anyone at home at this point. Everyone is busy, and I am busy.
I was talking to K and said that I didn't know what I was doing with my life. He said that meant I was going to get married soon. I laughed and told him I'd be the last of anyone I knew to get married. I still hold to this. I can see my friends getting married. I can see each of my siblings getting married. I've got issues. My ego is too big. I think I'm special or something. I'm not succeptible to normal human happenings.

Faith
I have faith. I don't know why, but I do. I cling to it because it makes me secure. It gives me reason. I have doubts but I hav faith. I wish my faith was stronger. Strong enough to move a mountain. Strong enough to be contagious. Regretfully, my faith is flimsy.