senses: and a sense of being over blessed.

"What would you rather lose, your hearing or your vision?" Monica W asked this question this summer whenever she was bored and each time I'd answer, 'my vision'; I'd still respond the same. As I began losing vision in my left eye this past week, this question kept resounding in my mind.

Sounds are my solace and refuge. Last night a friend read to me; two nights prior a friend and I jammed on our guitars--I did these things with eyes closed, and sometimes you just close your eyes to appreciate what sound can offer.

- - -
When I was a child I'd walk around my house with a blanket over my head at night attempting to walk back to my bedroom without looking. I thought if I were blind, would I be able to get around?

Though I have my right eye, I've found it difficult to use in bright lighting. My right doesn't like to open if my left doesn't open. Outdoors in daylight is the worst; I walk outside and my eyes wince at the brightness, so I walk with both eyes closed opening once in a while to make sure I don't trip. I walk out of my apartment building and count my steps down the sidewalk to see if I could manage ever being blind.

I am extremely blessed. I have two eyes, two ears, two legs, two arms...and so much more. Have you ever just thanked God for the ability to hear and listen to the soul fulfilling sounds of music? Have you ever thanked God for the blessing of taste buds to taste the salty-sweet-spicy-sour-bitter-wonder of food.

As my eye was being injected with antibiotics I felt the blessing and curse of feeling. As the pain of a needle being inserted in my eye surged through my body, I held tightly to the comforting hand of a woman I didn't even know very well. Pain sucks, but hugs and the moments when someone just holds you simply feed your soul.

Right now, I just feel amazingly blessed. My eye seems to be recovering, and my music is playing as I type with this one eye. I know I am loved.

I woke up yesterday, and my favorite pizza-flavored PRETZ sticks were sitting beside me with a note telling me that a jelly drink awaited me in the fridge. and oh my goodness....I love snackage!....and I loveee jelly drinks! I love jello!

The door rang, and a neighbor brought me a can of soup and a room key to use her phone to call my family. Before noon, I got a phone call with an offer to bring me lunch. Then I received another call to order anything I'd like to eat. At noon, the principal and vice principal arrived with my lunch and said a prayer for me.
I am truly deeply blessed.
MAD blessed.
Madly loved.
much too blessed.

small significance.

To think that such a minute speck on my eye would cause me such trauma. I woke up yesterday morning thinking the swollenness and pain of the previous day would have subsided, but it did not. I stared in the mirror at the white blotch in an off-centered part of the black portion of my eye. I poked at it and realized it was fixed and determined not to move. I cried. This thing is growing and I'm going to be blind. I went to the hospital yesterday morning. The nice doctor told me it was an ulcer on my cornea. I cried. Heck, what do I know about ulcers? I don't.

The rest of yesterday it just seemed to get worse. Pain, swollenness, headaches, and somehow body aches. I usually just deal with pain. It honestly wasn't as bad as walking on two sprained ankles, but the foreboding possibility of having permanent loss perhaps made it more painful. I went back to a different hospital, because I had no idea how to use the four different bottles of written-in-Chinese-perscriptions. The lady-doctor told me to triple the dosage because my eye was pretty bad--quite comforting. She patched up my eye and told me to get rest and wake up in the morning and reapply the drops. Quite humorous I assure you....is the image of me with a patched up eye walking sleepily around the sketchy streets of Shanghai. I went to bed and woke up this morning. I unpatched my eye. Less pain..maybe my eye is better. My eye appeared to be glued shut. I used some hot water to remove all the gooiness.

White. All I see is white. My left eye currently...is literally blind. It can't see a thing. No color, no blurs. I stare up close at the mirror. With my right eye I see that my left eye has the shape of an eye. White and a black circle in the center, but with my left, I see nothing. I see white...and tints of white...shadows. It's quite strange. Something I've never really exeperienced.

Okay...so I fear blindness. but maybe I'm not really going blind...maybe it's just the drops getting to work, and my body getting to work to repair itself. I suppose we shall see. Perhaps I'm overdramatizing all this, because I really have no idea what is going on. Maybe this all is quite normal. Anyhow...I'm glad I get to account this experience. I can't imagine how it is for people with serious permanent physical loss. There is also that fear that people will look at you differently. The initial pity and babying, extra care from people is nice at first...but do people see you normally still? Having one eye is never as attractive as having two eyes...and I can recall thinking people with one glass eye as being sort of creepy. God forgive me for how I've thought of other people and judged them.

So now...I'm waiting.

happier note.

I just realized that I made my blog public and that I only wrote in this blog most recently when I wasn't quite cheery. So in order to achieve some sort of balance I will account happy and quite normal happenings in a less emo manner.

Soo October break passed and it was quite exciting. Exciting in that I experienced a mix of highs and lows.

Lowlights: giving all my money to a skin/spa/facial/massage place half-heartedly
bloody toe
getting shooed out of a music store
all the people on the street chasing me and grabbing my arm trying to sell me things


Highlights: leading worship at Encounter retreat and rocking out
leading "making melodies" at Encounter
hanging with my small group
go-carting at the F1 race track!
the first guitar shop!
xiao long bao place with pretty buildings
one entire day reading
smothees
riding a bike through shanghai for the first time.



Oh and this weekend I went to this incredible 5th grader birthday party. It was all you could eat hot pot at one of the most expensive high class hot pot restaurants in shanghai that overlooks the bund (water/skyline). THere was a chocolate fondue fountain with marshmallows, and we even began roasting marshmallows on the hotpot flames. THere was a game of bingo followed by birthday group ice skating at the rink next door. muchos fun. I got to skate with some of my fifth graders! So much more fun than teaching them.


K, muchos hombre.

sophie's world

"Long before the child learns to talk properly--and long before it learns to think philosophically--the world will have become a habit."

I sometimes wonder if I'm living my life thoughtlessly, repeating my humdrum routine, day in and day out.

I was reading Sophie's World(a novel narrated by a young girl exploring philosophy. quite strange but captivating), and it triggered some introspection. I haven't had much time to stop and think about my life and life in general. There's something ominous, something scarey about living life like a habit. There's an innate desire to live life like an adventure, venturing toward the unknown. I'm afraid of being stuck doing something, day in and day out dispassionately. So now I'm questioning my role teaching in this school on this side of the world. I thought I'd might like it, but why do I feel so exhausted everyday? If someone were to ask me if I enjoyed teaching, I might have to honestly reply with uncertain hesitation and hesitation itself implies some hidden truth. If I decided not to come back after this year would I regret and miss it? Or would I simply stay because staying is easier once life is habit and allow myself to feel uncertain.

Happenings.
I'm a wuss. I really don't know how to be firm. I wonder if somehow my past contributes to how I am in this matter. Why don't I know how to confront people? Why do I fear conflict when it's needed? Why do I just say "yes, whatever" all the time!! I once told a friend that my older sister was too nice and would never say no to anyone. I said that I worried about her. He replied by saying that I was the same way, and I didn't want to believe it. It wasn't until recently that I realized that this was completely true. I don't know how to be honest to myself. Everything is always okay. Nothing is ever wrong.

I got convinced to spend nearly all the money at this spa like skin or something facial place because they made it so hard to say no, and for some reaon I couldn't figure out why I kept saying okay. I said okay as tears streamed down my face. Why, steph? Why did you say Okay?
I don't really want to go out to eat, but someone will ask and I'll say "Okay" with a really enthusiastic face. Someone will say something mean or offensive and I'll be hurt....they'll apologize and I just say "oh that's okay, I didn't mind," when really it did hurt or when I'm still bothered. Why do I do this?

Other happenings.
My older sister is in a relationship. I think it's her first relationship, but honestly, what do I know. I wish she would talk to me more, but then again I barely talk to anyone at home at this point. Everyone is busy, and I am busy.
I was talking to K and said that I didn't know what I was doing with my life. He said that meant I was going to get married soon. I laughed and told him I'd be the last of anyone I knew to get married. I still hold to this. I can see my friends getting married. I can see each of my siblings getting married. I've got issues. My ego is too big. I think I'm special or something. I'm not succeptible to normal human happenings.

Faith
I have faith. I don't know why, but I do. I cling to it because it makes me secure. It gives me reason. I have doubts but I hav faith. I wish my faith was stronger. Strong enough to move a mountain. Strong enough to be contagious. Regretfully, my faith is flimsy.