purpose.faith.trust.relationships.

[thoughts]
It's funny, extremely funny, but not. I think it's funny that I'm sitting in China and that I'm no longer a student and in fact, I'm a teacher. It hasn't fully hit me. I still feel like I'm in a dream. Sometimes I think that I will be that older woman with an identity crisis when she realizes she really is old. I still refuse to believe that I'm old. I feel way too young, and I know I act it. People always think I'm in high school. Goodness.

Reflecting on my current life, I'm riding on a flat plain. Depression and loneliness has yet to hit me, and I'm just waiting for it. (For some reason I always expect it to come eventually because I believe it is needed in the pattern of life to balance a person). I haven't had extreme elation for extended periods either--well other than the times I've been able to do worship, the time I played for the faculty, and playing at the mall....

Honestly, sometimes I think I'm getting dumber. My depth is rising up to sea-level bringing me into a shallow state--in fact, maybe it's not just shallowness but complete lack of thought (some call this air-headedness). I'm too busy, too tired, too spaced out to think. I had never been a reader nor a watcher of television and such, but I realized that those things which I've been running to when work is done have been keeping me from thinking. They allow me to escape my thoughts and mind into a fictional reality where my brain sits like a blob of mush--flattening and flattening. It's strange to think that reading keeps me from thinking...but for me...it keeps me from thinking about the important things in life I feel as if I've been overlooking. eh, and I suppose this could also be due to my choice of reading material. Though...I have been rather impressed by the authors of these shallow books. They are able to write depth into a fictional character laying out motivations and the ugliness of humanity. I think the shallowness of the characters have been rubbing off on me...

You know, it's quite sad. I realize I escape to my books and dramas because these created experiences take me through emotions I can't feel on my own. I scream in delight when I sense love. I bawl my eyes when my heart aches with the pain of a character's hurt. I start to deeply desire my books or soaps, being anxious to get back to my apartment and lay out on my bed with my book or laptop.

Relationships with people have been interesting. So I'm 22, and by now I should have myself figured out. I should understand how I interact with people, but sometimes it's confusing. I'm still learning about myself through how I interact with people. The person I see most now is Didi. I feel as if there is little depth to our friendship and perhaps it's because she doesn't share the same faith. She's been living on my floor for the past month, and though most people think it's amazing that I would put up with a person on my floor for so long--I tell people I'm okay with it. It's actually a good and bad thing. I don't mind her there. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I've realized I like it when people are dependent on me. I've always been friends with the people no one else wanted to hang out with or people who were just simply very different from me. I was raised to do this. .

I'm starting to get more comfortable with myself and just acting like my silly self around people. I used to always be intimidated by people, afraid of their opinion and afraid to break from my quiet awkward shell. But...some people still make me feel awkward. I revert to my 13 year old timid self. I'm trying to figure out what it is about certain people. Certain coworkers, older women, guys my age, Caucasians....is there a pattern or is it mere circumstance? For all my past internships I was much too overly shy with my bosses and I hugely regret that..but goodness I had no idea how to get over that...it was always so awkward. .


Sometimes I attempt to be friendly and smile at people and in reality my face isn't doing quite what I would like it to do. People sometimes ask me why I gave them that weird look. Sometimes as I'm walking outside I practice smiling and greeting invisible people so when an actual person comes by my smile looks less awkward. I'm strange.

So just what am I doing here. Does this entry have a point? Does my being here have a point? I never seem to know but I always want an answer to this question. Perhaps there is such thing as destiny or divine planning. Sometimes I pretend these things are real, although deep down I'm a cynic.

I've got two me's in conflict. The highly cynical me and the "I just want to be happy" me. The cynical me hates being ignorant and pretends not to be naive. The cynical me does not believe that things have reason or purpose and does not trust that feelings can substantiate reason for decisions or merely making statements. The cynical me is highly judgmental, overly cautious, and resolve-less. The cynical me illegitimizes spiritual and emotional experiences and attributes them to natural responses not destiny or purpose. The cynical me scares people and makes people feel defensive. The cynical me doesn't necessarily want people to like me but to see me as intelligent, as different, and not like everyone else. The cynical me is afraid to be looked down upon and has a pride issue. The cynical me pretends to be a realist.

The "I just want to be happy" me sees that people like happy people and wants to be liked. The IJWTBH me cares about what other people think and knows that people like silly people that don't intimidate them. The IJWTBH me wants to believe in things like destiny, fate, purpose because those things are simply beautiful. The IJWTBH takes doubts that are too strong and shoves them to the side because they're ugly and unattractive, and that me wants to just believe in the ideals. The IJWTBH me pretends to be an idealist.

Lately I've been caught in the latter me, but the former me wants badly to come out. The former me was the me in early college--but it was pretty miserable being that me. I've always believed in balance--that many extremes are bad and balance is needed. Like these 2 selves...somewhere there's a healthy middle ground. I wonder if I'll ever find it.

K I really should get real work done now. peace.