pick me up.

[thoughts]
I changed the first entry of this blog today; it's labeled [an introduction]. Reason for the change? Actually, I changed the intro, deleted a bunch of entries, and edited some of the ones that remain. And it was because I wanted to write, but everything that was already written here kept me from writing. I saw myself being unreal and embarassingly so. The inconsistency was troubling. How am I to talk about my faith and struggles when the previous writings were a fake filter of frustration?

Today is Wednesday, and I'm sitting in Lane Student Center typing away while waiting for a group meeting to occur. Today was like any other day. I woke up after having fallen asleep with my dinner, laptop, and papers all on my bed. Half-consciously, at 8am, I lifted my head and with a stressed voice I said "Oh crap," then I lay back down and slept. I don't actually remember why I did that, but I remember doing it. Perhaps for a split second I thought I was late to leave for class, but I wasn't.

I had written a note on facebook a couple nights ago...two nights ago?...about a missionary that came to cbcgl. My mother had heard him speak and pestered me nonstop to hear him speak, convinced it would give me vision. My mom was right. I half-believed her.

We are so apt to live life blindly, and I realize, sometimes we like to, but truthfully, we cannot do so forever. Without vision, we begin to lose purpose, and when the things we rely on fail us we lose complete sense of self and sense of security.
I admit, hand raised, I've been living blindly. I strive and live for things, and I don't even know why. I worked so hard to get a spiffy resume, thinking I could get a spiffy job, so that I can live in a spiffy house, and have spiffy clothes--and then maybe get a spiffy man. Screw the spiffyness. Gosh, I've fallen in so deep. I'm in so deep, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying really hard to get out. I plugged myself into a church, I plugged myself into ministries, I plugged myself into church leadership, and I even agreed to go overseas--though unsure if that was God's will. Gosh, but I'm still stuck. My brain has been set to a mode, a train of thought, a gear that seems locked in place. I'm selfish. I'm so materialistic and self-conscious that I admit this is my weakness. I want to be adored, admired--or at least think that I have the potential to be.

I used to think that I could give up everything and be a missionary if God asked me to. What happened? The thought of being somewhere without plumbing irks me. The thought of not having electricity frightens me--because, oh my gosh, I wouldn't be able to plug in my hair straightener. Ironically, my shallowness is drowning me. God, pick me up.